An American Expat in China
When
I got to China, the last thing on my mind was a Chinese girlfriend. I kept my
expat-only rule going till an amazing lady slipped past my defenses. Even when I
first met Jingmei, and that thunderbolt, as romantics say, hit me, I tried to
deny it.
In the beginning, I even told Jingmei
that I didn抰 want to see her anymore, attempting to erase her from my mind. When
that failed, for I dreamed about her often, I came back to Beijing and decided
to give this Sino-American relationship a try.
On my way back I tried to warn her, to
give her an escape, for I knew our relationship wasn't going to be easy. I knew,
from Russia, from Southeast Asia, and from my earlier trip to China, that a
Sino-American relationship was not gonna be accepted by the majority of Chinese.
Hell, if they can't accept me alone, how could they ever accept me with a local
girl?!
At first, Jingmei was shocked by the
stares we'd get, especially since she'd never been stared at before. See, when
I'm alone, I get around an 80% stare ratio, with only 20% of the passerby's not
giving me an open-mouthed gape. When we are together, that ratio jumps to 95%,
but unfortunately for her, only about 10% give me even a cursory glance. It's
all eyes on Jingmei.
She would walk with her head bowed
until she started wearing sunglasses in public, so she didn抰 have to look at the
swiveling heads. Now, after two months of stopping traffic, she's abandoned the
shades and just ignores the looks. Unfortunately, she can抰 always ignore the
comments.
The first time I knew she'd been
insulted was a trip to a Korean restaurant by her old University. There, when
she paid the bill, the waitress said something about Jingmei being so desperate
for a foreigner, she'd even pay for his meals. Luckily, Jingmei didn抰 tell me
this comment until she'd driven, mad as hell, a few kilometers, or I'd have
stormed the shop and made one nasty scene. Since then, I've paid for all our
public expenditures, even if I get the cash from her purse.
Jingmei thought it was just an isolated
incident, that this woman was some poor, ignorant country girl, and an educated
Beijinger would not think that way. I smiled, knowing that a local woman with a
foreign man is a prostitute or very desperate, is a more widespread idea than
China's 1.4 billion non-Beijingers.
Jingmei tested my belief with a taxi
driver a few weeks later when she needed a ride across town. Traveling alone,
she asked the driver about his feelings on cross-cultural relationships. The
driver, not knowing Jingmei was with me, said he really disliked foreign men
with Chinese women.
He said he'd pass up a mixed couple,
refusing to give a ride to anyone who "deserted her race." He never gave Jingmei
a logical reason either, just saying he felt it wasn't right for a good girl to
degrade herself with a foreigner.
Jingmei then asked him if foreigners
were welcome in China. He liked the idea of Americans sending money and high
tipping businessmen, but that they should stick to their own place and kind.
Japanese and Africans were equally disliked for historical and racist reasons,
while he was ambivalent about Europeans and tolerant of Russians. (Remember, the
Soviets were one of the very few friends the PRC had before the 1970's.)
When she asked about Chinese men with
foreign women, however, the whole scene changed. This, the taxi driver said, was
something he could be proud of: China screwing the West, literally! Hmm. That
confirms it: men think with their dicks a bit too much.
Anyway, Jingmei, now aware that even
native Beijingers didn't accept the idea of our relationship, still had
confidence that educated Beijingers would understand. I was skeptical,
for it抯 the educated middle class that flee the area first when a poor family
moves into an American suburb. Unfortunately, her friends proved me right last
night.
We met one of her girlfriends and two
of her University classmates in the afternoon. We played video games, having a
great time as Jingmei showed her true driving skills by finishing last every
time we played a car racing game. After our eyes glazed from the on-screen
action, we raced for real through downtown Beijing rush hour traffic in our
Volkswagens. Not all that dangerous since traffic kept us in the 0-50km/hr speed
zone.
It was over dinner that danger first
appeared. In Chinese so I wouldn抰 know, the guys started to harass Jingmei for
her "Western food", i.e. me. She told 'em to quit, but they redoubled their
efforts, beyond what Jingmei could stand. Out she went in a flash of furry, with
me not far behind. Screeching up to the front door, her friend jumped in
Jingmei's car, and we tore off into downtown. Only later, after she'd cooled,
did she tell me why she was so mad.
Again, it was good I didn抰 figure it
out till later. For if I'd known that these guys who'd been so nice to me
earlier, were just putting on faces, and thought me the fool in their minds,
more than food would've been spilled. Especially since they'd been too
chicken-shit to say it in English.
Thinking that was the end to the
hostilities, we agreed to meet her friend's new beau. Only when he met us, told
her to get into his car, and sped away telling Jingmei he didn抰 approve of mixed
relationships, did Jingmei finally accept defeat.
Through the tears, she gradually
understood why I抎 tried to end our relationship before it began. Only then did
she realize why I had such an issue with cross-cultural relationships. Only then
did she know why everyone stared at her when we're together. Only then did she
stop getting mad when I called the majority of Chinese small-minded, ignorant,
world-stupid.
Now Jingmei knows why I get funny when
she talks about living in China forever. I know our relationship would be tested
daily. Tested in ways and means I'd rather not have her deal with. As a
foreigner, I take it as foolishness of the locals, but as a local herself,
Jingmei takes it personal. And personal it would be.
Very personal, and very intense. If a
Hong Kong movie throws "half-breed" around as an insult to adult British/Chinese
mixes, what would a relatively un-liberal mainland Chinese say? Not to mention
kid to kid insults, the horror of grade school.
Luckily for us, Jingmei is blessed with
a very liberal family. Not only do her parents and her brother accept me as a
laowai, not a Chinese man, they accept me living with Jingmei as a boyfriend,
not a married man. An allowance unheard of even in modern China, and a blessing
that we are eternally grateful for.
